Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats Read online

  PREFACE

  THE NAMING OF CATS

  THE OLD GUMBIE CAT

  GROWLTIGER’S LAST STAND

  THE RUM TUM TUGGER

  THE SONG OF THE JELLICLES

  MUNGOJERRIE and RUMPELTEASER

  OLD DEUTERONOMY

  OF THE AWEFUL BATTLE

  MR. MISTOFFELEES

  MACAVITY: THE MYSTERY CAT

  GUS: THE THEATER CAT

  BUSTOPHER JONES

  SHIMBLESHANKS: THE RAILWAY CAT

  THE AD-DRESSING OF CATS

  CAT MORGAN INTRODUCES HIMSELF

  PREFACE

  This custom made eBook of T.S. Eliot’s Old Possum’s Guide of Practical Cats was created from a scan of the 1982 Harcourt-Brace-Jovanovich edition.

  The illustrations are a mix of those found in the HBJ edition by Edward Gorey and from artist Errol Le Cain.

  Enjoy!

  Jerry

  THE NAMING OF CATS

  The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,

  It isn't just one of your holiday games,

  You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter

  When I tell you, a cat must have three different names.

  First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,

  Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,

  Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey—

  All of them sensible everyday names

  There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,

  Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:

  Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Dcmeter—

  But all of them sensible everyday names.

  But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,

  A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,

  Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,

  Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?

  Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,

  Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Concopat,

  Such as Bombalunna, or else Jellylorum—

  Names that never belong to more than one cat.

  But above and beyond there's still one name left over,

  And that is the name that you never will guess;

  The name that no human research can discover—

  But the cat himself knows, and will never confess.

  When you notice a cat in profound meditation,

  The reason, I tell you, is always the same:

  His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation

  Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name

  His ineffable effable Effanineffable

  Deep and inscrutable singular Name.

  THE OLD GUMBIE CAT

  I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots;

  Her coat is of the tabby kind, with tiger stripes and leopard spots.

  All day she sits upon the stair or on the steps or on the mat:

  She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!

  But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,

  Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.

  And when all the family's in bed and asleep,

  She tucks up her skirts to the basement to creep.

  She is deeply concerned with the ways of the mice—

  Their behaviour's not good and their manners not nice,

  So when she has got them lined up on the matting,

  She teaches them music, crocheting and tatting.

  I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots;

  Her equal would be hard to find, she likes the warm and sunny spots.

  All day she sits beside the hearth or on the bed or on my hat:

  She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!

  But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,

  Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.

  As she finds that the mice will not ever keep quiet,

  She is sure it is due to irregular diet

  And believing that nothing is done without trying,

  She sets right to work with her baking and frying.

  She makes them a mouse-cake of bread and dried peas,

  And a beautiful fry of lean bacon and cheese.

  I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots;

  The curtain-cord she likes to wind, and tie it into sailor-knots.

  She sits upon the window-sill, or anything that's smooth and flat:

  She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!

  But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,

  Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.

  She thinks that the cockroaches just need employment

  To prevent them from idle and wanton destroyment.

  So she's formed, from that lot of disorderly louts,

  A troop of well-disciplined helpful boy-scouts,

  With a purpose in life and a good deed to do—

  And she's even created a Beetles' Tattoo.

  So for Old Gumbie Cats let us now give three cheers—

  On whom well-ordered households depend, it appears.

  GROWLTIGER’S LAST STAND

  Growltiger was a Bravo Cat, who lived upon a barge:

  In fact he was the roughest cat that ever roamed at large,

  From Gravesend up to Oxford he pursued his evil aims,

  Rejoicing in his title of "The Terror of the Thames".

  His manners and appearance did not calculate to please;

  His coat was torn and seedy, he was baggy at the knees,

  One ear was somewhat missing, no need to tell you why,

  And he scowled upon a hostile world from one forbidding eye.

  The cottagers of Rotherhithe knew something of his fame,

  At Hammersmith and Putney people shuddered at his name.

  They would fortify the hen-house, lock up the silly goose,

  When the rumour ran along the shore GROWLTIGER’S ON THE LOOSE!

  Woe to the weak canary, that fluttered from its cage;

  Woe to the pampered Pekinese, that faced Growltiger's rage;

  Woe to the bristly Bandicoot, that lurks on foreign ships,

  And woe to any Cat with whom Growltiger came to grips!

  But most to Cats of foreign race his hatred had been vowed;

  To Cats of foreign name and race no quarter was allowed.

  The Persian and the Siamese regarded him with fear—

  Because it was a Siamese had mauled his missing ear.

  Now on a peaceful summer night, all nature seemed at play,

  The tender moon was shining bright, the barge at Molesey lay.

  All in the balmy moonlight it lay rocking on the tide—

  And Growltiger was disposed to show his sentimental side.

  His bucko mate, Grumbuskin, long since had disappeared,

  For to the Bell at Hampton he had gone to wet his beard,

  And his bosun, Tumblebrutus, he too had stol'n away—

  In the yard behind the Lion he was prowling for his prey.

  In the forepeak of the vessel Growltiger sate alone,

  Concentrating his attention on the Lady Griddlebone,

  And his raffish crew were sleeping in their barrels and their bunks—

  As the Siamese came creeping in their sampans and their junks.

  Growltiger had no eye or ear for aught but Griddlebone,

  And the Lady seemed enraptured by his manly baritone,

  Disposed to relaxation, and awaiting no surprise—

  But the moonlight shone reflected from a thousand bright blue eyes.

 
; And closer still and closer the sampans circled round,

  And yet from all the enemy there was not heard a sound.

  The lovers sang their last duet, in danger of their lives—

  For the foe was armed with toasting forks and cruel carving knives.

  Then Gilbert gave the signal to his fierce Mongolian horde;

  With a frightful burst of fireworks the Chinks they swarmed aboard.

  Abandoning their sampans, and their pullaways and junks,

  They battened down the hatches on the crew within their bunks.

  Then Griddlebone she gave a screech, for she was badly skeered;

  I am sorry to admit it, but she quickly disappeared.

  She probably escaped with ease, I'm sure she was not drowned—

  But a serried ring of flashing steel Growltiger did surround.

  The ruthless foe pressed forward, in stubborn rank on rank,

  Growltiger to his vast surprise was forced to walk the plank.

  He who a hundred victims had driven to that drop,

  At the end of all his crimes was forced to go ker-flip, ker-flop.

  Oh there was joy in Wapping when the news flew through the land;

  At Maidenhead and Henley there was dancing on the strand.

  Rats were roasted whole at Brentford, and at Victoria Dock,

  And a day of celebration was commanded in Bangkok.

  THE RUM TUM TUGGER

  The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat;

  If you offer him pheasant he would rather have grouse.

  If you put him in a house he would much prefer a flat,

  If you put him in a flat then he'd rather have a house.

  If you set him on a mouse then he only wants a rat,

  If you set him on a rat then he'd rather chase a mouse.

  Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—

  And there isn't any call for me to shout it:

  For he will do

  As he do do

  And there's no doing anything about it!

  The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore:

  When you let him in, then he wants to be out;

  He's always on the wrong side of every door,

  And as soon as he's at home, then he'd like to get about.

  He likes to lie in the bureau drawer,

  But he makes such a fuss if he can't get out.

  Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—

  And it isn't any use for you to doubt it:

  For he will do

  As he do do

  And there's no doing anything about it!

  The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious beast:

  His disobliging ways are a matter of habit.

  If you offer him fish then he always wants a feast;

  When there isn't any fish then he won't eat rabbit.

  If you offer him cream then he sniffs and sneers,

  For he only likes what he finds for himself;

  So you'll catch him in it right up to the ears,

  If you put it away on the larder shelf.

  The Rum Tum Tugger is artful and knowing,

  The Rum Tum Tugger doesn't care for a cuddle,

  But he'll leap on your lap in the middle of your sewing,

  For there's nothing he enjoys like a horrible muddle.

  Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—

  And there isn't any need for me to spout it:

  For he will do

  As he do do

  And there's no doing anything about it!

  THE SONG OF THE JELLICLES

  Jellicle Cats are black and white,

  Jellicle Cats are rather small;

  Jellicle Cats are merry and bright,

  And pleasant to hear when they caterwaul.

  Jellicle Cats have cheerful faces,

  Jellicle Cats have bright black eyes;

  They like to practise their airs and graces

  And wait for the Jellicle Moon to rise.

  Jellicle Cats develop slowly,

  Jellicle Cats are not too big;

  Jellicle Cats are roly-poly,

  They know how to dance a gavotte and a jig.

  Until the Jellicle Moon appears

  They make their toilette and take their repose

  Jellicles wash behind their ears,

  Jellicles dry between their toes.

  Jellicle Cats are white and black,

  Jellicle Cats are of moderate size;

  Jellicles jump like a jumping-jack,

  Jellicle Cats have moonlit eyes.

  They're quiet enough in the morning hours,

  They're quiet enough in the afternoon,

  Reserving their terpsichorean powers

  To dance by the light of the Jellicle Moon.

  Jellicle Cats are black and white,

  Jellicle Cats (as I said) are small;

  If it happens to be a stormy night

  They will practise a caper or two in the hall.

  If it happens the sun is shining bright

  You would say they had nothing to do at all:

  They are resting and saving themselves to be right

  For the Jellicle Moon and the Jellicle Ball.

  MUNGOJERRIE and RUMPELTEASER

  Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer were a very notorious couple of cats.

  As knockabout clowns, quick-change comedians, tight-rope walkers and acrobats

  They had an extensive reputation

  They made their home in Victoria Grove—

  That was merely their center of operation, for they were incurably given to rove.

  They were very well known in Cornwall Gardens, in Launceston Place and in Kensington Square—

  They had really a little more reputation than a couple of cats can very well bear.

  If the area window was found ajar

  And the basement looked like a field of war,

  If a tile or two came loose on the roof,

  Which presently ceased to be waterproof,

  If the drawers were pulled out from the bedroom chests,

  And you couldn't find one of your winter vests,

  Or after supper one of the girls

  Suddenly missed her Woolworth pearls:

  Then the family would say "It's that horrible cat!

  It was Mungojerrie—or Rumpelteazer!"—And most of the time they left it at that.

  Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer had a very unusual gift of the gab.

  They were highly efficient cat-burglars as well, and remarkably smart at a smash-and-grab.

  They made their home in Victoria Grove.

  They had no regular occupation.

  They were plausible fellows, and liked to engage a friendly policeman in conversation.

  When the family assembled for Sunday dinner,

  With their minds made up that they wouldn't get thinner

  On Argentine joint, potatoes and greens,

  And the cook would appear from behind the scenes

  And say in a voice that was broken with sorrow:

  "I'm afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow!

  For the joint has gone from the oven—like that!"

  Then the family would say "It's that horrible cat'

  It was Mungojerrie—or Rumpelteazer!"—And most of the time they left it at that.

  Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer had a wonderful way of working together.

  And some of the time you would say it was luck, and some of the time you would say it was weather.

  They would go through the house like a hurricane, and no sober person could take his oath

  Was it Mungojerrie—or Rumpelteazer? or could you have sworn that it mightn't be both?

  And when you heard a dining-room smash

  Or up from the pantry there came a loud crash

  Or down from the library came a loud ping

  From a vase which was commonly said to be Ming-

  Then the family would say "Now which was which cat?

  It was Mungojerrie' AND
Rumpelteazer!"

  —And there's nothing at all to be done about that!

  OLD DEUTERONOMY

  Old Deuteronomy's lived a long time,

  He's a Cat who has lived many lives in succession.

  He was famous in proverb and famous in rhyme

  A long while before Queen Victoria's accession.

  Old Deuteronomy's buried nine wives

  And more—I am tempted to say, ninety-nine;

  And his numerous progeny prospers and thrives

  And the village is pioud of him in his decline.

  At the sight of that placid and bland physiognomy,

  When he sits in the sun on the vicarage wall,

  The Oldest Inhabitant croaks "Well, of all…

  Things…Can it be…really!...No!...Yes!....

  Ho! Hi!

  Oh, my eye!

  My sight may failing, but yet I confess

  I believe it is Old Deuteronomy!"

  Old Deuteronomy sits in the street,

  He sits in the High Street on market day;

  The bullocks may bellow, the sheep they may bleat,

  But the dogs and the herdsmen will turn them away.

  The cars and the lorries run over the kerb,

  And the villagers put up a notice: ROAD CLOSED—

  So that nothing untoward may chance to disturb

  Deuteronomy's rest when he feels so disposed

  Or when he's engaged in domestic economy:

  And the Oldest Inhabitant croaks: "Well, of all…

  Things…Can it be…really!...No!...Yes!...

  Ho! Hi!

  Oh, my eye!

  I’m deaf of an ear now, but yet I can guess

  That the cause of the trouble is Old Deuteronomy!"

  Old Deuteronomy lies on the floor